Four years have gone by since I left my old life for this one. Does that even make sense? I only have one life. I suppose what I mean is since I left the life I built including a family, a house, a community, a church, a marriage. It's been four years since I left them.
I am comfortably settled now, in a life that suits me- for this part of the journey. This is absolutely not what I wanted yet as I type this I can hear my old thoughts of wanting this exact thing. I know it has to do with peaceful living, safety, and simplicity. Not that we all don't want those things, but I had signed up to run the race and not quit. I made a vow to God and I broke it. Clearly it wasn't all my own doing but I made the final decision. It was death to a dream that had died before it came to exist, meaning the dream of having a family suffered a devastating blow before the family was even conceived. The childhood dream of what family would be like was crushed before the wedding took place. Yet I went through with it. Ending the marriage was death to the childhood dream that I kept trying to make right. I often say I got what I wanted but neglected to be specific. This isn't really about that part though. I wanted to talk about where I'm at now. My four years later and I have peace, safety and simplicity. I'm doing really well right now. I've started eating more whole foods, have lost weight, am happy, doing well at work, and have good relations with my children. It seems life couldn't get better. Who am I though? Who is this kind of cold woman living inside of me who doesn't care about people anymore? Who is this one that doesn't try to please people? Who is this one that speaks her mind no matter the cost? I am different. Sometimes I don't recognize myself when I hear my thoughts. A defense mechanism maybe? The affects of a deeply hurt soul? Someone who is tired of getting hurt! I am nice to people, don't get me wrong. I just know when I have to be and when I don't. Yet I know how I am supposed to be all the time- Christlike. And the thing is, I am not going to listen to anyone tell me how I'm supposed to be ever again. So, me joining a church group is not in my immediate plans. Like I said in my last post- I'm not happy with Christians. I know! I know! This is all not of God, I get it. But when I was 100% about God and dwelt in the center of His presence- I trusted Him and I GOT HURT-TERRIBLY!!! Please don't tell me about God right now. I know Him. I have to work that one out on my own. Me and Him. Jesus willing, my heart be healed.