Church. That's what happened. No. Actually it was God at church. Everything I have written here on this blog was brought up in the sermon today to the point where I had a change of heart about things. I am now interested in seeing what these 80+ small groups are because the pastor said there were people in the church who can relate to what I'm going through and who I could connect with in order to receive from God the blessings he has for me instead of being stuck with the "treats" the devil has for me. I already acknowledged that my thoughts were most likely from the devil. The pastor spoke of David in the bible. He summarized his entire life up to the point where the Amalakites had taken captive David's family. David was left with nothing! The pastor illustrated how important it was for David to link up with the one wounded Amalakite who showed up and told David where his family was. Had David killed him he would have missed the opportunity to fight for his family. There are people in our lives positioned by God to help us; we just have to be willing to do the work of getting to know them. He even went so far as to say we need to look towards each other (as in the ones in church) and not just look to the Pastor for help. Now didn't I just say I don't want to talk to anyone in church? Didn't I just say I only want to hear from God- not humans. I didn't see that one coming! There's more. God placed it on my heart to contact someone. I had tears in my eyes and compassion in my heart for this individual. I tried to ignore it. When I got out of church it was pressing me hard. And wouldn't you know it- I remembered the phone number to contact this one. I called and let the Spirit speak through me. Stunned as I was at the words coming out of my mouth and the tears that fell down my face, I delivered the message of compassion to this person's answering machine. When I hung up, I cried out to God "Why did you have me do that?" and in a few minutes all of the emotions subsided. Perfect peace was upon me. Not another thought about it until this point of writing. I may never know the outcome or result of that phone call, but it was without a doubt, from God. I myself would not have any inclination to call such individual. May the work of the Lord prosper, heal and save.
Another day, another day of harsh realities - disheartening thoughts and comments by me. This morning while at a restaurant with my friend I noticed a woman eating quite savagely. She wouldn't stop talking with food in her mouth. She shoveled it in and kept right on talking. I mean food was hanging out of her mouth and practically waving at me. I know she didn't have any clue that there was food there or maybe she had some idea but just didn't care. I felt bad for the man sitting with her, opposite her, he had no choice but to look at her while she talked. There was another thing she did that was disturbing to my mental state. She cleaned her tongue with her teeth and lips WITH HER MOUTH OPEN. Of course I had the option of not looking at her but she was sitting in my parameter of vision.
Anyway, I am not proud of myself for having these thoughts nor that I am writing them. but geesh, where the heck were her manners? Yuk!
It seems my respect level for Christians is hovering around only those who are openly honest with their imperfections. I believe it's transparency that gains my respect. I'm sure this is some type of flaw on my part but I honestly feel like the days of me trusting everyone are over. I don't seem to trust anyone anymore. I truly feel that everyone has things they hide from people simply to protect the identity they allowed to form in other people's minds. I think some even have themselves fooled. But then again maybe I am a harsh judge and I shall be rebuked for it by one the wiser.
I often tell people that I once was a great liar. I was so deep into lying that I didn't know what was truth about my own life growing up. I had to remember what I told people by constantly replaying the stories in my mind. Now that I'm older and a couple of decades beyond my lying years, I am able to look back and see how manipulative my thinking was. I am even able to see what triggered the lies. I can see the life of the lie and how the process evolved as I got older. Only when I received the forgiveness of Jesus at the moment I believed did I get to start over and erase the lying characteristic in my being. It was something I looked forward to doing-not lying.
So the old expression "it takes one to know one" applies to me. I used to be a liar and so I feel like I can see one; but I have an over achieving mind which likes to make everyone a liar. Anyway, I also think the word hypocrite aligns perfectly with my thoughts on liars. Why am I confessing all of this? Because it explains why I don't want to talk to people. It explains why I don't want to be around people. I feel like I have wasted most of my life believing people I trusted only to find out that much of what I believed was a lie. I've wasted my life trusting. WASTED MY LIFE. on people. Now that doesn't sound very Christian does it?
Four years have gone by since I left my old life for this one. Does that even make sense? I only have one life. I suppose what I mean is since I left the life I built including a family, a house, a community, a church, a marriage. It's been four years since I left them.
I am comfortably settled now, in a life that suits me- for this part of the journey. This is absolutely not what I wanted yet as I type this I can hear my old thoughts of wanting this exact thing. I know it has to do with peaceful living, safety, and simplicity. Not that we all don't want those things, but I had signed up to run the race and not quit. I made a vow to God and I broke it. Clearly it wasn't all my own doing but I made the final decision. It was death to a dream that had died before it came to exist, meaning the dream of having a family suffered a devastating blow before the family was even conceived. The childhood dream of what family would be like was crushed before the wedding took place. Yet I went through with it. Ending the marriage was death to the childhood dream that I kept trying to make right. I often say I got what I wanted but neglected to be specific. This isn't really about that part though. I wanted to talk about where I'm at now. My four years later and I have peace, safety and simplicity. I'm doing really well right now. I've started eating more whole foods, have lost weight, am happy, doing well at work, and have good relations with my children. It seems life couldn't get better. Who am I though? Who is this kind of cold woman living inside of me who doesn't care about people anymore? Who is this one that doesn't try to please people? Who is this one that speaks her mind no matter the cost? I am different. Sometimes I don't recognize myself when I hear my thoughts. A defense mechanism maybe? The affects of a deeply hurt soul? Someone who is tired of getting hurt! I am nice to people, don't get me wrong. I just know when I have to be and when I don't. Yet I know how I am supposed to be all the time- Christlike. And the thing is, I am not going to listen to anyone tell me how I'm supposed to be ever again. So, me joining a church group is not in my immediate plans. Like I said in my last post- I'm not happy with Christians. I know! I know! This is all not of God, I get it. But when I was 100% about God and dwelt in the center of His presence- I trusted Him and I GOT HURT-TERRIBLY!!! Please don't tell me about God right now. I know Him. I have to work that one out on my own. Me and Him. Jesus willing, my heart be healed.
I wonder if I have the courage to speak openly about my thoughts- if I could write what's on my mind without fear or concern for what people may say. It's been years since I've published anything current. This is the first step, right? Putting my fingers on the keyboard and jumping in. Yeah, well, it's a little troubling because my attitude and way of thinking has changed over the last few years. Let me show you.
I went to church this morning, alone, on Mother's Day. I sat in about the third row, middle section, first seat. I have been to this church a few times and each time I am annoyed by the people around me. It seems I prefer the quiet, reserved type at church. I want to slip in unnoticed, listen to what God has to say through the service and slip out unscathed by humans. That is truly the opposite of what church is for. Church is a gathering of the family of God to worship the Lord. Family, as in the ones you care about, cling to, run to in time of need and joy. Family, the ones who look forward to seeing you and are interested in your daily life and the lives of your loved ones; yet I don't want to be a part of that. I think the only reason I go to church is because I think God wants me to and I want to obey. I (not so secretly anymore) wish no one would talk to me. You see, the people at this church are the friendliest, happiest, most welcoming people I've met lately. They sing and dance and put their hands up during the praise service. There's bright lights and video cameras moving all around the church. I realize they are filming for television and Youtube but it's all so distracting. I realize that if it weren't for this filming I would never have known about this church. Yet for some reason I am annoyed by all of it.
There's more. I think I am also annoyed by Christians. Not the people at this church but Christians in general. I am angry at them to be honest. I don't want to be apart of any group of Christians. Yet I am one. A Christian. Though you may be doubting that at this point. I may be projecting some deep wounds onto a mass of people and may be blaming the whole for the part of a few, but that is where I am right now. As far as church goes. Yet I know that things like this are the brainwashing of the devil and this type of attack is meant to keep me from church, from God and from his Redeeming Grace. Thus the reason I haven't written anything in years. Fear is keeping all of this inside me. Fear is prohibiting me from fulfilling my calling. Fear is driving me away from the very thing I know I am supposed to do.