|Posted on April 12, 2017 at 4:05 PM|
The sun warms my skin but my heart’s still cold. I’m numb. I’m void of all of the deeply emotional feelings I used to live with on a daily basis. The fuel for my contemplations has run dry. Am I callused I wonder. Am I hardened from a severe winter in my life? I don’t have the answers and I’m in no desperate need to find them. I’m comfortable in this state. It’s easy. It’s peaceful. It’s quiet. It’s me.
I look back from here and see the stages I went through to get here: the devastation, the disbelief, the denial… all the way to the drive and motivation to persevere. I suffered great loss and rose to the challenge to survive it. I suffered disappointment and still have hope of success. I held shame for a while and then let it go by the grace of God. I am because He is.
There’s so much I’m not saying yet I’m taking the time to write anyway. I think there’s a story in me somewhere, maybe many stories. However, I honestly believe that this is my time to be silent. I’m watching, listening and observing life and people. I think my heart is taking inventory and making a wish list. Maybe not, but it seems to not have the same passions as it used to. It doesn’t gravitate the same way anymore. There aren’t many things that excite me or even interest me but the few that do, they fill me with complete joy in the moment.
I must end here. I’m at the library and it is not quiet at all. People are talking very loudly and it is irritating me. It makes me laugh a little because two years ago there wasn’t a quiet place in all of my existence. I really like the silent life. I’m finding myself in the void.