|Posted on October 31, 2016 at 12:20 AM|
11:20am Sunday October 30, 2016
I just walked out of church for the second week in a row simply to avoid confrontation. For the same reason I avoid contact with people associated with my past married life, I avoid these extremely painful memory-inducing situations. I did not leave my family because I was in search of greater pleasures for myself. I left to protect myself from further damage. I left seeking safety and peace. Even my place of refuge turned into a scene from a psychotic drama movie and thus has left me scarred. So, when the antagonist from that drama shows up in my church, I had no choice but to leave.
Since the memories have already been triggered, I am going to talk about something, maybe just for my own clarification. You see, I understand forgiveness. I understand grace and mercy. But the thing is when someone shows you the depth of their depravity, when you witness it with your own eyes and it is conniving and manipulative, it makes trusting their sincerity highly difficult. When people reveal their motives, I mean tell you out right what they are thinking and why they do what they do, and it is clearly in violation of God’s will, what do you make of that? What do you say or how do you respond to them?
I’ll tell you this- I don’t. I cannot see inside their hearts nor can I judge their actions, nor their intentions. I have only their words to base my personal assessment on. And if that assessment goes against my own moral code or my own moral compass or whatever you want to call it, then my strategy is to avoid them and let God deal with them. I walk away.
I know I have flaws and I know that I can be inappropriate at times as my mouth goes off faster than I (choose to) stop it. I am not perfect. I am not a good Christian. I am a sinner saved by Grace. I am forgiven.
Life is full of painful things. In order for us to deal with any of them we must first find strength to stand; for if we are buried under the weight of these pains, we cannot actually do anything but suffer. So stand, stand firm in the faith (1 Cor. 16:13, Eph 6:11.) I know where my strength comes from so I ran to Jesus! I stand here with Him. I am human still remember. I know my limits. I know that my wounds are not yet healed as was evident at the mere mention of the antagonist this morning. My words were actually that “the thought of her brought the devil out in me.” Is that possible? I don’t know. I only know that painful memories resurfaced and it was more than I could bear. I don’t think God wants me to be confrontational. So here I am at home, listening to worship music, reading the bible and writing a testimony. I am getting my head straight. My heart is still in pain, not about seeing her, but because the memories triggered are pretty intense, and all of my children are here in the apartment and that is also a tremendous reminder of what led us to be here instead of in our home. Oh…. The pain…..but Jesus! Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
On my stereo right now: Lauren Daigle: Once And For All:
“God I give you what I can today/ These scattered ashes that I hid away/ I lay it all at Your feet/ From the corners of my deepest shame/ The places where I’ve worn Your name/ Show me the love/ I say I believe/ Help me to lay it down/ O Lord I lay it down/ O let this be where I died/ My Lord with Thee/ Crucified/ Be lifted high as my kingdoms fall/ Once and for all/ Once and for all/ There is victory in my Savior’s loss/ In the crimson flowing from the cross/ Pour over me/ O Lord I lay it down/ O Lord I lay it down/ Help me to lay it down/O Lord I lay it down.”
Pain is everywhere. So is Jesus. Some situations allow you an escape, some don’t. I was able to walk away from one this morning but I walked right into a different one. Now, I have to head into work. God gives me strength enough for each day. He allows me to walk where I want and speak for myself. I am not a puppet. I endeavor to be a good Christian, a good human, a good mom, a good friend, a good worker, and where I fall short- there is grace- thank you Jesus.