|Posted on September 1, 2016 at 4:25 PM|
What I want to write about and what comes out of me to write are two different things. No matter how hard I try to focus on writing "nice" things, it is always the struggle that screams to be penned. I've been fighting it for weeks, no... months. I thought maybe I was being negative in my thoughts so I dismissed them. I even let the words be put on paper then I threw them away. I don't want to write about difficult things. I don't want to write about heartache and pain. I have told everyone that I want to write a poetry book about flowers and have the book be so nice that it could sit out on anyone's coffee table. Yet, that is not was comes to me when I sit down to write.
When I tell you I have been struggling with this, it is real. I have sat, like today, in my room without any distractions, without any calls or social media demands and have been unable to write what I want. After, giving up and taking a nap, having a good cry, and praying I decided to quit trying. I decided to just do what my insides wanted to do. Of course, listen to music was my first thought. This time I searched my computer for something different. No luck with different, but a different selection of songs by my favorite artists Dee -1 (of course) and Propaganda. It didn't take long for the emotions to get flowing. As I listened to Propaganda rap about the black experience, the struggles and the desires of his heart it occurred to me that I love listening to him because he in-fact shares the difficult stuff. So does Dee-1, and Lecrae, and Tripp Lee, and KB... etc.
Their songs don't put me in a sad mood even though I cry, they just make me more aware. They open my eyes to a life I have not lived. They tell the facts and their feelings in the manner of their art. When I realized this, just a few minutes ago, I thought maybe I've had it all wrong in my head. Maybe the reason I am struggling to write is because I'm not listening to the voice inside me. Well, I am aware now.
All around my room are pictures of flowers and poems. That's it. On every wall, words and flowers. The floor is stacked with books, notebooks and paper. Everything else is away. I spend all of my free time reading, writing and looking at pictures of flowers on Pinterest. Yes, I also love music but it's not what you think. Some days go by and I never listen to any. Music serves a purpose in my life, it is not my life. I try to analyze my own life, by the things that interest me, to find meaning and purpose especially in light of all the changes I've gone through. When I talk to God, when I pour out my heart, I often ask Him "what am I supposed to do now, now that I am no longer what I once was?" Everything I once had, everything I once loved, I thought, made up who I was. Now that most of those things have been removed from my life, I find myself asking "who am I?"
Today is September 1st and I am starting a new journey. The idea originated with the desire to pray for Dee-1 every day this month as he does his tour around the country. Then I considered the significance of the name of the tour, the Sling Shot David Tour, and how it lined up with the lessons I've been teaching the kids in Sunday school. We've been in the book of Samuel for a while and we are learning all about David. Remembering that God is with those who trust Him, and answers the prayers of those who come to Him, I decided to focus my prayers not only on Dee-1 but on myself and others too. I'm doing a Proverb a day so that I can learn. I'm going to let God speak to me deeply and trust Him. I've recommitted my life to Him and all that I hope to do. I'm going to pray intentionally and read the bible daily. (I know, you thought I already did this.) And I'm going to write whatever wants to come out of me. (That last sentence was hard to type.)
Lastly, around mid-day today I decided to check out the new Daily Bread devotional for September. Are you ready to hear the title?
"Because You Prayed"
I'm certain you see the awesomeness of that.
Today is day one and look what I just did. I wrote something. I can do this.